Experiencing Grief

Grief is an emotional and physical reaction to a significant personal loss. Usually we think of grief in relation to the death of a loved one, since this is the most painful kind of grief. However, no one is immune to grief. Grief comes to all of us at various times in our life, and it is experienced in different ways. In addition to the death of a loved one, grief is also experienced during divorce, loss of a job or health, seeing a family member or work colleague move away, loss of stability in your church life, damage to your home, etc..

If you are grieving over a loss, perhaps this material will help you understand what is happening to you. because your grief is unique, do not take this as a final word about grief, but as an encouragement to understand your specific situation better. You probably know more about grief right now than you realize. The following may help you understand it more fully.

There are some commonalties to all types of grief. All grief is painful, dynamic, personal, and brings mixed feelings.

Grief is Painful. It hurts. You may feel a persistent headache. Your muscles may not move as you want them to. You may feel listless or hungry but with no desire to eat. You may experience shortness of breath, as if you need to breathe deeply, to sigh. All of these responses are normal. If you are grieving, you probably feel some of these.

You have experienced a personal loss. This loss can be overwhelming at times for some. Other family members, familiar daily tasks, jobs may not seem as important as they once did. Feelings of meaninglessness or lostness can suddenly intrude on your life. This is natural. Try to keep in mind that grief moves slowly and that meaning returns slowly.

It is often helpful to express your grief. You may need to cry and release your feelings -- sharing them with an understanding person. Often people in grief find such expression of feeling to release them, allowing much of their physical pain to fade away. Be careful of advice to “Don’t cry, don’t worry, you’ll be all right.” God will take care of you. But one way God does this is to allow our grief to be eased by crying, sharing with others, getting feelings out so that they can be dealt with.

Grief is Directional. It moves through stages. Grief will naturally move you forward to a point where you accept your loss and begin to feel and act like your former self. If you are feeling intense pangs of grief now, one important thing to remember is you are involved in a healthy process.

Grief is Personal. No one feels grief exactly as you feel it. Your feelings and your circumstances are unique. The circumstances of your loved one’s move overseas will cause you to experience grief differently. Circumstances such as the depth of your relationship with the person/place lost, family situations, children involved, friends reactions, kind of transition required, plans for the future, health issues, etc. all effect the impact of the grief experience.

Only you know what it means to go through your particular grief experience. However, be careful not to let this uniqueness betray you. The fact that your feelings and circumstances are unique should not allow you to isolate yourself from others. Although they may not be grieving now, your pastor and many of your friends have experienced grief. They can help you if you will let them.

Grief includes mixed feelings. The pain and hurt of grief are the most common feelings. Most of us accept these as normal. However, grief is more than simple sadness. Grief can include other feelings, such as guilt and hostility, which are not always accepted as normal.

A typical aspect of grief is the experience of some guilt. This is usually caused when a grieving person realizes how self-centered he or she is. You feel like shouting, “I hurt - don’t they understand that!” Or, “Why can’t others understand what I have lost?” You hurt. You are rightly self-centered in being concerned about taking care of your emotional wounds. You must be concerned about your emotional survival. This is normal. Expect to feel some regret and to have second thoughts about your relationship. There is no need to feel guilty.

Hostility is sometimes a problem for people in grief. Hostility is usually seen in the question, “Why did this have to happen to me?” Under the best of circumstances, assuming new and demanding roles if difficult. You have experienced a loss. Some hostility may be part of your grief experience because new demands have been pushed upon you.

Grief is Good. Grief is not easy or painless. However, grief can be good because it is a natural and healthy response to a significant personal loss. Grief calls your attention to the need to readjust your life -- grief calls your attention to the need to be healed.

The Christian faith affirms grief as a part of life. Human life involves loss. However, God’s grace is available to help us through the pain and grief. God’s grace sets us free to accept our personal loss and insecurities.

Christian fellowship can help you in times of grief such as this. Your church and fellowship with other Christians can bring new life out of grief. Your church can say to you:

“We stand with you in believing that God is the source of life. We comfort you
in your grief. We provide a caring and supportive fellowship. We acknowledge
your value as a person. Let’s talk and pray and worship together as you walk
through your grief.”

Grief finds hope in God. During grief, hope is found in relationship with God. God loves you. This may not be clear to you, however, in your grief. Neither was it clear to Jesus as he faced death on the cross. He cried, “My God, My God, why has thou forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46)
Yet a short time later he said, “Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.” (Luke 23:46) Such a leap assumes that there is hope in the face of grief. Hope and grief are both natural. Hope remains, however, after grief is gone. “Sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.” (1 Thessalonians 4:13)

Neither death nor grief can separate us from God’s love. In our inseparable relationship with God, there is hope--hope which requires a leap of faith, despite the hurt of grief.
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress
or persecution...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him
who loved us. For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities,
nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor
anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ
Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:35-39)

Nothing can separate us from the love of God. In this there is hope, even in the face of loss and grief. Be hopeful...have faith in God.

The above has been adapted from Facing Grief with Faith by Francis Martin (Sunday School Board, Nashville, TN, 1976) by Rick Bates, Family Ministry Section, FMB -- De. 1994.

Understanding your Grief Process

There is a wide variety of opinion regarding details about the specific symptoms and stages of grief. However, there is almost universal agreement on one fact: Grief is a Process. Like any process it has a beginning point (i.e., loss or separation), a series of stages, and an ending point (i.e., recovery). As you face your grief, it is important that you remember this. You have experienced a loss, you are likely in some stage of grief, and restoration will come.

An understanding of the typical “stages” of grief, may be helpful to you and your family:

1. Shock - a very physical stage. The body is reacting to threat and disbelief. Empty feelings can be common. Person may act automatically.
2. Numbness - physical reactions joined by emotions. In a way, “nature’s anesthetic” -- feeling numb, loss of feeling. Person may describe himself as feeling frozen inside. Hand wringing. These first two stages can last for hours to days, usually not more than a few days.
3. Struggle with reality - is this just a fantasy? The bereaved slowly begins to realize that the loved one is gone. Many people wake from sleep believing that the death of a loved one is just a dream. Disorganization is noted by many in grief.
4. Emotional release - the flood of grief - volatile. Crying or other outpourings of emotions. A catharsis, with weeping or anger, public or private.
5. Physical symptoms of distress and grief may come and go - tightness in the throat, shortness of breath, sighing, empty feeling in the stomach, lack of muscular power, upset digestive system.
6. Feelings can be varied according to personality, situation, time - Feelings of depression (gloom or isolation) ... Sense of guilt about the loss (if so, you need to verbalize it) ...Hostility - resentment and anger may come out in many different ways, such as blaming doctors, friends, pastor (be careful of displaced hostility).
7. Selective memory and stabbing pains - the grief stricken breaks off ties with the lost person or item and selects out good memories. Sharp, stabbing pain over the loss also happens.
8. Resistance to returning - there is often an inability or unwillingness to return to usual activities.
9. Acceptance of the loss - reaffirmation of life itself - an emotional resurrection. Hope comes through!
10. Readjustment to life - but there are still struggles at times, especially on special personal days and holidays.

No two grief experiences are exactly alike. Each person will experience grief in their own way, with the intensity varying according to personal and situational factors. Persons can move through these stages in various ways and often move back and forth from one stage to another.
As you experience your own grief process, may the Lord be an encouragement to you daily.

-Rick Bates, Family Consultant, FMB